Note to all signs:
That stupendous planetary behemoth named Saturn is finally FINALLY moving out of Cancer on July 16. The big planets way out there in our solar system -- like Saturn and Jupiter and Neptune -- are the Large Marge elements of the zodiac. They come into your house, stay way too fucking long, eat you out of house and home and heart, and teach you all these life lessons you were sure you could live without thankyouverymuch. Even signs not directly in Saturn's path will feel the change at the end of the month. Except, uh, Leo? Hope you made up the guest room, because Saturn is moving into your house. So long and thanks for all the memories, Saturn! Enjoy Leo! See ya, wouldn't want to be ya!
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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
Saturn has ruled your 6th House for two years, sucking the fun out of your day-to-day. You've learned important lessons. For example, you now know that games are only fun when both players are equally interested. And there are some games that have no winners. Still don't see where this analogy is taking us in July? Spend this month consciously playing mental checkers: Move forward, never backwards, and don't be afraid to double your power. Jump over your obstacles rather than get trapped, and keep your eye on the other side of the playing field. Be flexible. Most importantly -- if it looks like a stalemate, don't play nasty just to win.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20)
Wax museums are clever places. For the price of an entrance fee you can see people posed in all sorts of dioramas, perfectly capturing a moment, forever frozen in time. If you were carved in wax, what scene from your daily life would be assembled around you? Would it be the image of you pouting because no one loves you enough? Or would it be the time you didn't speak up, or the time you didn't make a decision? Ah, Pisces. With Saturn leaving your 5th House (the 5th house rules love, fun and creativity -- which, by the way, Saturn totally sucked dry) on July 16, you're better-placed than ever to solidify a romantic or creative pose. Wax optional.
ARIES (March 21- April 19)
Lately I have been watching Spanish language TV, well... just the telenovelas. Spanish soap operas have a little something for everyone: tons of dramatic pauses, lost loves, plot twists, longing gazes, ominous music in the background, fantastic sets with great furniture. Imagine that your July is a steamy summer telenovela, set in a lovely villa on the beach. Plenty of bump and grind, rhythm and rhyme, with dialogue like "want, need, desire." Now you get to fill in the blanks ... what is it you want, need, desire, Aries? Before you can indulge in your happy ending, you have to sort out the twists and turns of the plot, made much easier by Saturn leaving your 4th House in mid-July. All the bad luck and high drama you've had with home-related matters will start to smooth out like a well-written season finale. Fantastico!
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Saturn is leaving some of us and encroaching upon others, like you darlin' Taurus. But it won't be the horror story I've had -- in fact, Saturn will move into your House of Home Stuff starting mid-July and all the turmoil you've been getting from your up-in-the-air living situation will calm down a little with the seriousness of Saturn. Now's a great time to make up a new superstition. For example, each time someone tries to make you feel unsettled, knock once on wood and then dump dog poop on their shoes. Your job this month is to conjure up your own little wives' tale. Pretend your wrist-watch is a powerful talisman. Each time you're up against another muckraker or manipulator, use your talisman instead of apologizing for things that aren't your problem. Don't worry, it can be something as simple as "Look at the time! Gotta go!" And Saturn will back you up, you lucky dog. Sans poop.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Summer is here. Take some time to inventory your SPF -- Sabotage Potential Factor. Who or what is currently dragging you down, keeping you burned, blistered and red in the face? Forget about the wave of bad financial karma incurred during Saturn's two-year stay. Saturn -- that pissant of planetary poverty -- is leaving your financial house on July 16 and money matters will begin to turn green and lush by month's end. Now is the time to be the big summertime blockbuster, the sizzling mid-season replacement for mediocrity. It's finally your turn to scrutinize who or what in your life is standing in as your personal Roger Ebert, holding the perpetual thumbs down. Purge! Cleanse! Vaccuum! Do whatever it takes to loosen up, enjoy summer, relax, socialize and be the star of your own summer movie.
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CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Bye Saturn! Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out of my 12th house of HELL! So long and thanks for NOTHING!
Cancerians get the longest Hor-O-Scope here, because I am a Cancer and because we've had to put up with more crap since early 2021 than any other sign, bar none. Saturn has put the screws to us, sitting right in Cancer since June of 2021 and ya'll, WE ARE TIRED. Even though we've lost some of our softness, lost some of our faith in the world, we're resilient little creatures and the stars say the months ahead will finally let us be happy again. (Of course, as a Cancer who has lost my faith in life, I almost don't believe it. But then again, I'm a Cancer. I NEED to believe it's going to get better. I need to have faith. Such a little contradiction, us crabs.)
So, Saturn is finally exiting on July 16 and GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE. Crabs born later in the sign (those mid-July babies) won't feel the relief as intensely at first, but it will come. Listen, it hasn't been easy for any of us since early 2021. And the full moon around the 21st will make you think Saturn is back to torment you, but after that you should be able to FINALLY finally, once again, breathe. We're tough little crustaceans of the zodiac, but we're too soft for this Saturn shit. I'm ready for it to be OVER. Aren't you?
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LEO (July 23 - August 22)
I wish they had a Driver's Ed class for navigating your family. With Saturn moving into your sign and making family a central issue, even a little handbook would be helpful right about now. Suppose you could test drive your family and find out what their speed limits are and how safely they can parallel park before you burden them with too many expectations. You'd know the rules of all the interpersonal highways and byways, and you wouldn't be taken off guard by sirens or strange left turns. Well, while we're waiting for the Interpretive Guide To Driving Your Family Life, let's start by laying down our own ground rules. Respect the currently posted limits, watch for signals, negotiate curves with caution, and try to arrive on time. It's a good start to a two-year Saturnfest, Leo, when you'll be forced to have patience and put a cap on your road rage.
VIRGO (August 23 - Sept. 22)
Kin Hubbard once said that "the only way to entertain some people is to listen to them." I know it seems trifling and boring to listen the rest of us, day in and day out. We're not talking fast enough for you, or getting to the point as quickly as you'd like. Your first impulse is to turn a deaf ear to the incessant chattering. But beware -- you could miss out on some valuable eavesdropping. Your next move will be determined by something that will be said to you in conversation this month, let's hope you're listening and not just nodding while mentally planning your grocery list. Saturn's move out of your house of work and career will give you a much-needed break from professional strife... and the office gossip could be juicy, so listen up, Virgo. With both ears.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 23)
You are in need of nourishment... not the meat-and-potatoes kind, but a real meal of critical success, a full buffet of acknowledgement and reward. Now is the perfect time to look at the menu and decide to eat all the good stuff life can cook up. There are more vital nutrients and vitamins coming your way now that Saturn is laying off your sign and easing up on the pressure both career-wise and personally. Don't forget to order up a healthy serving of heightened awareness, followed by a dessert of whipped emotions. Oh, and by the way... you can't get this meal home delivered, you have to go out to find it. Hint, hint.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21)
Um, hi. How you doing? Because, well. Saturn. And you. Going to get very close for the next two years as you have this big planet hanging out with you at work. Good news: Boy, will you get a lot accomplished! And people will love you! And you'll be a shining star! Bad news: Dude, a planet is riding shotgun with you to work every day. There's a fair amount of heaping praise coming your way on the career front -- and, because of Saturn, a fair amount of hard work as well. There's only one way to handle this: with a metaphor. Let's say your grandfather's beautiful pocketwatch stops ticking: immediately take it in to be fixed and polished, and always treasure its unique beauty. When you're late to work (again!) because your crappy, ugly, unreliable, piece of junk alarm clock died in the middle of the night, be glad to be free of it. Yes, this is a metaphor for something in your life that is broken and you have to decide whether or not it's worth fixing. And no, it's not an alarm clock.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Some people look great in those loud Hawaiian shirts that have scenes featuring surfboards, coconut trees and pineapples. Other people wear those shirts and look like they had an accident in a bowl of fruit. That's because creative expression is uniquely personal, and when you try to meld into a style that isn't genuine ... well, you can end up looking like a casualty on the Fashion Freeway. Better to trust your instincts, especially in the coming weeks. An outside influence is going to make you believe you're the Hawaiian shirt-wearing kind, even if you're strictly a T-shirt girl at heart. Chin up! Saturn is exiting your money house and you will finally be able to afford to change your look as many times as you need before you get it just right.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Next to Cancer, ya'll have had the worst time with that shitheel, Saturn. It's especially drained your emotional fuel tank these past few weeks. The cost for filling up your Cappy engine can be exorbitant -- gas prices notwithstanding. But finally, the time is right for you to drive the car of your own life. Take an alternate route this summer and you won't be disappointed. Capricorns will be able to see clearly, breathe deeply, enjoy the scenery and maybe even love a little. I can see a road ahead that is marked with gratifying pit stops and unlimited natural resources. There will be people along the way who may be asking for a free ride -- don't let that discourage you. No one can see more clearly into a person's itinerary than you, Capricorn. Trust your internal navigation system and you'll get unlimited miles per gallon.
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